Feb 21, 2025
The Hebrew Bible, Ranked
Slow Reading 2024
Robert Alter's The Hebrew Bible
Each year, I commit to slow-reading one large work. A few pages a day, spread out over the entire calendar. I've read everything from great works of fiction like Les Misérables or Ulysses, play anthologies like The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, to non-fiction works like Marx's Capital, Volume I. This year, I read something that exists at the center of all those categories. The Hebrew Bible.
But not just any Hebrew Bible. Robert Alter's The Hebrew Bible: A Translation with Commentary, a 2018 English translation. Unique not just for being one of the few (or perhaps only) translations of the text completed by a single person, but also for radically eschewing from millennia of theological cruft in favor of pursuing an accurate literary representation of the original text. Sacrilege to some, but a fascinating work.
Alter does his best to preserve the poetic rhythms of the ancient writing. The kind of phrases that have long been edited out of public consciousness. Frequent run-on sentences. Peculiar imagery. Long-forgotten cultural references. But he is also careful to provide endless footnotes with historical context or reasonings behind his translations, as well as thorough introductions for each chapter and collection.
It was a revelatory read. Not just for the experience of reading a new twist on these ancient tales, but also for being my first experience in hearing this story in full. I consider myself to be fairly well-versed in Biblical literature, having grown up as the son of a pastor, and have been more exposed to these works than your average person. But rarely was that exposure presented in the actual sequence of events, beginning to end. It was always somewhat piecemeal. Hopping from story to story. Supplementing with a few Psalms or Proverbs.
And I actually don't think that reading the Hebrew Bible straight through is necessary. It's less about the continuity of a narrative and more about the slow building of a national myth. Each successive book iterating on the one prior. History unfolding in a sort of back-and-forth manner. Details emerging slowly or even forgotten entirely.
I will say, the most surprising aspect of this read was discovering how little of this story is about God's dictations to the Jewish people. This is not a book of law and order, but a tragic tale of the hubris of man. Time and time again, the nation is told to avoid selfish earthly pursuits and time and time again, they ignore those warnings. They ask for a King when none was needed. They ask for the punishment of their enemies instead of themselves. They belittle and attack each other, resulting in a long-running civil war. We consider the forbidden fruit to be the original sin. But the point of no return was the anointing of Saul.
But from a literary standpoint, it's a fascinating piece of work. It contains all genres of writing. Mythology, historical accounts, ironic folk tales, poetry, songs, and genealogical records. Each author uses their own unique voice, some clearly more gifted than others. It contains both frank self-criticism and propagandistic self-aggrandizing.
There isn't much in the way of mysticism or mystery. Most of the well-known stories are rather short. In fact, I found a direct inverse relationship between the length of a story and its cultural impact. Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark, Moses' rise through Egypt's ranks, Daniel and the Lion's Den – all zipped by in just a chapter or two, or sometimes even a sentence. The vast majority of the Hebrew Bible is a rather plain description of the evolution of a nation-state. It's not unlike our own American history, in which myth-making and fact combine and expand, seeping into the public consciousness. Where stories of Paul Bunyan and Headless Horsemen mix with Cherry Trees and Thanksgiving Feasts until the point where we're unsure if Johnny Appleseed was real or not.
But to give an entire review of the Hebrew Bible is ridiculous. Not to mention impossible. I have many thoughts, but I have no idea how to form them into something worth writing about. It would be stupid to even try.
Instead, I'll do the next worst thing. Rank each book by quality.
The Dregs
These are the ones you can skip. I don't mean this to be glib or even radical. I just don't think there's much in these books that are relevant, both from a literary perspective and a theological one.
1 & 2 Chronicles
Hated these. The last books of the Hebrew Bible, and by far the worst. It begins with nine chapters (nine!) of genealogical records, and then proceeds to recap stories you've already read, but worse. It lacks the prose of the previous iterations and was clearly written with a propagandistic bent. Perhaps God stopped speaking for 400 years because they wrote this piece of crap.
Proverbs
The book that launched a thousand needlepoints. Apart from being an overlong collection of rote sayings and boilerplate poetry, the most frustrating part of Proverbs is the categorization. Or rather, the lack of it. Each little couplet is just thrown into a heaping pile of nothing. There's no connective tissue. No meditations on a theme or even a real thesis. Just stuff.
Hosea
Catastrophic metaphorical collapse. This guy had some real hangups with women. You've got to let it go, man.
Joshua
Now we enter some controversial territory. Each of the previous books are, narratively speaking, completely skippable. Joshua, however, is a critical moment in story. One that cannot be glossed over or excised. It details the moment where the Israelites finally cross the Jordan and enter Canaan – the Promised Land. A conclusion to what Moses began and a jumping-off point for the line of Kings to come. The first climax.
But unfortunately, the book is far more interested in justifying cruelty than it is in moral inquiry. Many of us know the Fall of Jericho. Marching around the walls for days. Blowing the horns. The walls came a-tumbling down and such. What that story often leaves out was the ensuing command: slaughter everyone in the city. Not every combatant, mind you. But everyone. Man, woman, and child.
It's this justification of genocide that places this book at the bottom of the list for me. The good news is that this likely didn't happen. If there was a conquest of Canaan, it was far more likely that the inhabitants assimilated into the occupying culture. Much of Joshua appears to have been written long after the events described, and clearly with some sort of propagandistic purpose. Much of Joshua's actions reflect that of Moses himself – crossing a river, leading a people, etc. But this time, he succeeds.
Unfortunately, this book is still used today as justification for the ethnic cleansing of Palestine. Why people would look to this specific book for geopolitical guidance is beyond me, but the fact of the matter is that it's happening. It was a primary text in the founding of modern Israel and continues to be wielded in support of the nation's most terrifying decisions. It's ironic that a people who were wandering the wilderness for forty years would slaughter another with little remorse. Not ironic in a funny way, but in a deeply serious and horrifying way.
The rest of the book is about land divisions, which is also uninteresting.
Ezra-Nehemiah
More xenophobia. Racial and ideological purity. Includes a lengthy passage about building a wall. As a better book states, "There is nothing new under the sun."
Leviticus
Terrible reading experience. You learn a lot about ancient Jewish culture, but the vast majority of the book has no relevance to our modern lives. Unless you're organizing your extended family into some sort of trade-oriented tribes with strict zoning regulations.
It's also the most pick-and-choose book for the puritanical crowd. Man cannot lie with another man, but mixed-fabric clothing is permitted. All this has been debated before and nothing will change on this topic, but it's still worth mentioning.
The Bland & Forgettable
Ones that I could either do without, or that I can't even remember enough about to cast judgement.
Obadiah
Hey, it's short!
Amos
Most of this is stuff you've read before (and with better skill), but there's some good visions in here. Nothing screams Hebrew Bible like a plague of locusts.
Joel
See Amos.
Micah
See Joel (no locusts, though).
Nahum
Bet you thought we forgot about the Assyrians! It's like Jonah but without any of the fun of Jonah. There's so much in the Hebrew Bible about the city of Nineveh. You'd think it would be more important to the overall story, but it's really just Las Vegas. Sin City, baby!
Zephaniah
See Micah. Some soft allusions to the evil and corrupting power of wealth, though.
Haggai
Apparently I read this one. Couldn't tell you one thing about it. Probably has some prophecy of doom and gloom.
Malachi
Continuing the long-running Biblical theme of "Why aren't you doing what I told you to do?"
Lamentations
There's nothing particularly wrong with this book, it just didn't really grab me. Biblical poetry can be beautiful. But this is focused on making clever little acrostics with each verse rather than fully exploring an idea. And you know what doesn't translate well? Acrostics. Is it the lowest form of poetry? I think I would even prefer a collection of ancient limericks.
Habbakuk
Honestly, why are you even reading this? You don't know anything about this book. You aren't interested in knowing anything about this book. What would ever make you consider, "I wonder what Eric's thoughts are on Habbakuk?" Please. Be serious.
You care so little about Habbakuk that you didn't even notice that I've been spelling it wrong this whole time. It's Habakkuk. One b, two k's. Or is it? You don't know. You don't care.
The Weird
Tales to astonish and horrify! A perfect crop of books to impress your friends with deep cut references.
Exodus
On would think this would belong in a higher tier, but no, this book is strange. We all know the story of Moses. Found in a basket in the Nile, raised by the Pharoah's daughter, kills a guy, gets exiled, and then encounters God as a burning bush. All of this happens within the first 3 chapters. There's 30 more to go! And guess what? Half of that is a legal document.
You're already primed for some weirdness. We all know the plagues, sure. The parting of the Red Sea. The staff and the snakes. But there's a lot more that got left on the cutting room floor of The Prince of Egypt.
A vision of the heavens with pavement like sapphire. Moses' strange power to win a battle by keeping his arms raised. A passing mention of a long-lest text, "Book of the Battles of YHWH." And of course, the classic moment where God is thwarted from killing Moses by his wife Zipporah, who uses the power of their son's foreskin to fight him off.
Numbers
Parts of this are so good. Talking donkeys, serpent attacks, pillars of fire, water from rocks. There's even a reference to a long-lost biblical text The Book of the Wars of the Lord, which is an incredible title for a black metal album. But beyond the mystical aspects lies a rather poignant narrative of hubris and conspiratorial thinking. About the flimsy bonds of trust between the masses and their leaders.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of administrative stuff that muddies this narrative. Census taking. Divisions of labor. Splitting up bounties. Pointless to dive into this without starting with Exodus, but worth it for the introduction of the city of Shittim.
Deuteronomy
Veers into Leviticus territory with its long listing of obscure laws, but at least some of these laws are kind of silly. Each new king has to make a handwritten copy of every law and religious text that exists. Cowards are allowed to leave battle since they're bad for morale. And one of my favorites, "No one with crushed testes or lopped member shall come into the Lord's assembly."
Some laws are quite good. There's a command to give freely to the poor, "for the pauper will not cease from the midst of your land." Loans are forgiven every 7 years. And there's even some legal protection for workers.
Also a good one for deep biblical lore. There's passing mention of the Rephaim, giants who lived in Canaan and were possibly descendants of the equally terrifying Nephilim. It ends with the death of Moses, who was buried in an unmarked grave like a commoner.
But again, just a book of rules and regulations.
Zechariah
NOT Zephaniah! Look, if you're into drugs, you've got to seek out whatever Zechariah was using. A fantastic book for fans of the apocalypse. The Staffs of Pleasantness and Bruising could but future Indiana Jones Macguffins.
Esther
I always enjoyed the Esther story growing up, mostly because it was about a Hot Girl. Kind of perks your ears up during Sunday School. And not only is she Hot, but she's also undeniably Great At Boning. Like so great that she gets wifed up out of the harem. You can understand my interest.
Barring the sexual politics of the whole ordeal, the end is truly baffling. The King is coaxed into issuing a genocidal decree against the Jews by his scheming vizier, and Esther saves the day by using her influence to turn the King against him. But it's too late – the King can't simply reverse his decision. Not really sure why, but it's just how the story goes. So instead, he gives the Jews full reign on killing whoever comes for them, which of course was a resounding success. Mass slaughter. Everyone is happy. And now they get to celebrate the new holiday of Purim.
Kind of an unnecessarily pat ending. Almost feels like it went through a round of studio notes and was forced to include a big third-act battle scene. Like if the Christmas story ended with the Three Wise Men holding off a centurion of Roman legionaries (an idea which I now have copywritten, Hollywood).
The Nice-to-Haves
Significant books that fall just short of greatness. Still on the required reading list.
Genesis
Look, it's got a strong start. Lots of stories packed into a tight series of chapters. You basically get creation of the universe all the way to Noah by like a quarter of the way in. Moves quick, pretty varied content. Isaac bound to the altar. Jacob wrestling something that isn't God or an angel but maybe was.
And then Joseph rolls around and grinds the whole thing to a halt. The whole bit with the coat and the dreams and the brothers, it's all fun. But what isn't fun is the lengthy description of his administrative dealings. On a structural level, it's weird that Joseph is given as much focus as he does. 13 chapters worth. Adam dies by Chapter 5, and he lived over 800 years!
Ruth
A short story that's more interesting as a cultural document than a religious lesson. A young woman's journey of self-actualization and empowerment through a system designed to wear her down. It's akin to something out of a Jane Austen novel. Navigating the byzantine cultural and societal norms to find some sense of personhood. Naturally, it's through loyalty, hard labor, and marriage, but at least there's some sense of a counter-cultural life within that.
Psalms
It's not exactly a fun read, but it's hard to write off entirely. One of our oldest poetry collections. Song lyrics, acrostics, clever wordplay, difficult subject matter. It even features some musical notation that has long been lost to time.
But not exactly a personal favorite. A lot to sift through. All of varying quality.
Song of Songs
Sexy!
Judges
A collection of stories chronicling a period of relative collectivist anarchy among the Israelites. Interesting from a political perspective, but the variations on a single theme gets rather repetitive. Israel strays from God, God sends them a judge, they repent. Rinse, repeat.
Standout Judges: Samson & Deborah.
Kings (Both)
The most Shakespearean of Biblical tales, or perhaps Shakespeare's histories are the most biblical of his works. Just like with the War of the Roses, we enter a long period of civil wars and royal successions, each reacting to the failures of their ancestors. It's a lengthy work – covering the end of David's reign all the way up to the Babylonian invasion and fall of Jerusalem – but it's well worth the effort.
There's some difficult sections (one episode includes the names Jehu, Jezreel, Joram, Jehonadab, Jehoahaz, Jehoash, Jeroboam II, and Jezebel), but you get just as much drama as you would reading about Henry V or Richard III. Not to mention its central importance to the rest of the narrative.
Isaiah
This is borderline "Cream of the Crop" due to its significance, but I've got to rate these by pure reading experience. A great book for unlocking a lot of the Hebrew Bible, including its Christian counterpart to come, as well as to learn a little more about how these were constructed. Likely written by multiple authors and collected under the original prophet of Isaiah, there's plenty to dig into here.
Moral reckonings. Eschatological visions. Messianic prophecies. Poetry and prose. It's a microcosm of the greater narrative – the essential key to the Hebrew Bible and all that follows it. But ultimately, I found it a little flat and disjointed. It lacked some of that special sauce in my favorite choices.
The Cream of the Crop
A sampling of the finest the Hebrew Bible has to offer. The books that feel like they're reaching through time itself.
Daniel
An incredible run of classic stories, and ones that sort of fit within the mold of fairy tales. There's echoes of Joseph here; an exiled Jew in a land of gentiles who proves his worth to the elites through the interpretation of dreams. He's got his little posse who get their own little side adventure and miraculous event. And then you cap it off with some more apocalyptic visions, though they're more pointed towards events like Alexander the Great's campaign, and not so much with the far ends of time.
It's very Twin Peaks in a way. The crossroads of the ordinary and the extraordinary filtered through one guy and his buddies.
Samuel (Both)
A really solid read, and one that changed my view of the Hebrew Bible the most. I had a vague sense of the stories prior. Saul was anointed and then disgraced. David takes his place and is solid for a while, and then eventually disgraced in kind. Goliath shows up at some point. So does Bathsheba. Thus begins the reign of David and his descendants.
But what I wasn't aware of was the whole contextual reason for the existence of the Davidic line in the first place. The Jewish people survive the long period of Judges and demand that God grant them a King. Speaking through Samuel, a prophet, He tells them no – kings are foolish and will only lead you astray. But they persist and He gives in. And guess what? He was right! The Kings are generally bad for everyone and begin a long period of turmoil for the Israelites.
I wasn't expecting such a clear rebuke of monarchical power. In fact, the Hebrew Bible almost advocates for what we would call anarchy today. Community decision making with collective labor. The Kings are easily corruptible and quickly abuse their powers for personal gain. Each successor attempts to correct the course only to prove just as weak as their predecessor.
Good books to check out for those interested in recontextualizing what they know about the Hebrew Bible.
Job
Presented as more fable than fact, but one of the more well-known books for good reason. Asks a lot of tough questions about human suffering. About the relationship of faith and logic. About justice and pain. Also notable for the presence of "The Adversary," who acts as more of a public defense attorney rather than the devilish Satan we think of today.
Also notable for having a pretty standard literary structure. Robert McKee would be proud!
Jeremiah
Probably the most interesting of the prophets, and one that feels the most like a real guy. This dude hates being a prophet. He's horrified by his visions. But he feels compelled to warn everyone of the death and destruction ahead.
He was beaten. Exiled. Hunted for death. Never stopped shouting. He even told off the king's prophets who were falsely predicting peace ahead. He was a very dedicated buzzkill.
Ezekial
This one is great. Clearly abusing some kind of psychedelic substance, or maybe just a little off his rocker. All the vibrant imagery of a 1970s Dr. Strange comic. Four-faced creatures. Wheels of eyes. The Valley of Dry Bones. Beautiful.
Jonah
Jonah is funny! Another one of those books that was written as a sort of fable, not as any historical record. There's a lesson here. If God calls you to do something, you've got to do it, or get thrown overboard and swallowed by a big fish. That's the story we all remember. But the epilogue is equally funny: Jonah sits high up on a hill, bald head getting burnt as hell by the desert sun, waiting for God to unleash his wrath upon Nineveh. But wrath never comes. The people of Nineveh have repented and been forgiven.
This upsets Jonah. He went through all of this for nothing. Those people should suffer! God does some sort of tree-based magic trick for some reason and then tells Jonah off. Funny!
Qohelet
You laymen might refer to this as "Ecclesiastes," but I – a seasoned Bible reader – know it only as Qohelet.
I'm not the only one to hold this in such high regard. It belongs here for a reason. The book that has carried wisdom far beyond the bounds of any religion. It's a short read, but dense and substantial. It teaches us not to worry about earthly glory, but rather to enjoy our earthly pleasures while we can. It shares thoughts on oppression, wealth, and power. It grapples with the meaning of life. Or rather, the meaninglessness of it.
Nothing I could write here would top what has already been written about this book. Just give it a read. The best of the best of the best.
This year, my reading project is to explore a different type of mythology. Not quite of this Earth or even beyond it, but somewhere perhaps in the Middle. The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion.